Every night before i go to bed,i pray to God,hoping He can hear me..Hope He listens to my heart cry,most of the time thanking Him for all that i own.Myself,my family,my friends and the world around me.I thank Him for the peace of mind that i can sleep at night.I Thank HIm for health and happiness in my life.I thank Him for the talents He gave when He made me.I Thank him for people who broke me so i can be a stronger person.I thank Him for the bad situations i ve been through which have moulded my confidence and who i am now,thankful for people who love me and who had loved me before,for the wonderful childhood i had,for the taste of my own tears which have soften my heart,for the many kisses i had and given ,for laying the path before me..
Sometimes before i reach up to all the names i needed to mention my thanks for ,i fell asleep.There are times i would still stay up to mention all,i can think of.All the thanks i needed to be thankful for.It s not only a bout me saying Thanks but in the same process i was constantly reminded of how rich i am,inside out!At the moment in which i was prasing His name,i felt complete,fullfilled,loved,peace,unimaginable sense of belonging, i felt so rich even if i am not perfect nor in full pink of health.
Then the next day ,i would wake up forgetting the Thanks i said. I forgot how many things in life i have that many others would envy.Waking up to look at the ugliness of my eyebags,oily hair.DOnt want to make the list longer,I ll take bath and feel better and fresher.Get dressed up and with coffee to start my day,i ll check my mails and read some news.When i come to the part where people die in fire,hunger strikes in draughted area,war which will never end,diseases..i rather read about technology so i can see where the better future can head to..new robots to do micro/nano surgeries,retinal implantations and others.Hoping by then i would feel better.
but no..instead,I lost my senses to love and appreciate everything around me..I am miserable,depressed person with big ego.Then i ll do what i needed to do..study,managing my life,angry at things i was unable to do..Frustrated when i cant memorize what i urgently need to..Feeling short of talents for a moment there..
Looking back at my practical and attachment days in the holidays,i met amazing people ,doctors,lab technicians,patients,van drivers,surgeons,anesthesiologists,nurses,mid wives,mothers,assistants..many more..i felt so little comparing myself to them..These people have so much of talents and they have been to places i ve never been before,sacrifices they ve made to be where they are ,just too great,too perfect,too beautiful!..
I m just a nobody..This is one of the moment where the time stood still and yet i can feel my heart beats..Each beat tells me that i am still alive and standing ,i still have time to achieve the greatness that these people had achieve.with my incompetency,i impatiently wish that i have greater talents and time to achieve greatness..will i be able to be who i wanted to be?when i am finally there,how will i feel?will i be asking and wishing for more??
Oh!How small i feel...nothing a but mere dust on the computer screen!!Drowning in panic,there is no time!!I am already in my 5th year of medical course..soon to be graduated and crowned as a doctor.But how come i dont feel that i can do the things they do??will i be insufficient?WIll i fail to do what i should when i work?How can i overcome the fear of being lowly qualified?I did what was told,i studied all tht i needed to,sometimes more..but the more i read through,the more i am lacking..Fear of humilation doesnt stop me easily but failure to use what i learned disappoints me a lot...How can a mere diplome prove your competency??red or blue does it matters?
I need experience!!!i wanted to skip the mistakes and straight to the point where i earn the experiences!MAy i do that please!!???i need to breath for one moment..
show me a clear mind so i can see what lies in front of me..Lord show me my way home,show me my destiny..
i am not sure if it was His voice i heard or it was my heart telling me what to do...
For Time being, realising my goal was the best solution to this negative feeling..How does someone becomes immortal in their basic sense?It all comes down to hard work,sacrifices,and individual talents God had given us..With patience, i shall follow the star which drives us to our goal...
And at the end of the day, i would still pray to Him who forgives,and cleanse my heart from tears,low esteem.He made me look good in my own eyes..I am rich once again.
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